Student Name

Short Story Title

Précis

How did you feel about the draft?

What did you revise?  Explain in general, but also provide a good example. 

What was your "showcase line"?  Why did you like this?

Winnie

"Golden Microphone"

  This story is about me getting a Grammy Award. What I said and how I feel at that time.

  I didn't really like this draft, because I didn't like the topic.

  I revised the word choices and grammar. Also I took out details that were useless.

  ""This winner of this year Grammy Award has an anomalous voice, which shines like a sun on a scorching day!" 

I like this part, because I like the word choice in it.

Aurora 

"That Noise!"

This story is about a girl whose father is in her ear. Then one day a two people appeared in her room with her enemies to go together on a journey into her ear to save her father!

I didn't like this story at all! I did it REALLY bad! It was so confusing, I changed a bit of it to make it not that confusing, but it still is! This was bad because I had no interest in it, it was a boring topic for me!

Nothing was good in my Blue book story! I made it confusing and unrealistic! Also on my 6 traits I did it really BAD!!!!

"One by one, everyone started to fall asleep on the bus, and the sound ringed in her ear. "Come to me, come, come the voice ringed again. STOP IT!!!! She screamed." I liked this because after this everyone groaned! To me, this was the MOST interesting part in the story. 

Emily

"Annoying Cousins!"

This is a short story about a girl who had to teach her bizarre cousins English.

My draft was okay, but I freaked out while writing it and made a few mistakes.

I revised my introduction and the order of a few other sentences. I changed "Exactly how did I end up getting stuck with those two?" to "Otherwise, I wouldn't have to help them with their English homework, would I?"

"His brother just ignored me and continued to stare out the window at the stormy, gray clouds that had gathered across the horizon."

It shows that the weather outside was more interesting to the girl's cousin than what she was trying to say.

Kevin C.

"The Moment of Joy"    

  This is about winning the award on a singing show named Britian's Got Talents.    

  I like my Bluebook better. It was longer, and can be counted better.

  I changed almost everything. The paragraphs were completely different. 

  I like the opening sentence. It shows the excitement.

  " Excitingly, I got out of my bed and drove to the registation center."

Joseph

"The Mysterious Noise"

This is a short story about a noise made by a Yeti, which 3 kids are finding the stem of the noise and stopping it.

The draft is kind of hard to write, I had to think hard on how the story should grow, but I still produced a reasonable story.

I revised about the details, for example, at my draft, I didn't tell how Skychi where and why he got the jar. But in my revision, I showed how and why Skychi got the jar, making the story clearer.

"You pests better get that thief out and return us the cracker, or we are gonna melt your house and family!" Vinchenzo finished and stared fiercely at those stunned elves." I like this quote, because it expresses my feeling when somebody is in a hurry to finish his problem.

Rosalind

"Painful Memory"

This is a story about 3 girls who drifted apart from each other.

This story is a very hard one for me. Because the topic is boring and I have NO interest in it! XD But I got through the draft anyways and it wasn't perfect.

I revised the conclusion and lead. Or maybe I should say that I rewrote most of the story.

For example the conclusion was about Emma marking her memories as bad memories. But at the end I changed it to Emma forgiving her friends.

"I believe, that in the whole wide world, everyone has a painful memory in their heart!"

I chose this line because I think this is a very good lead.

John

"At last we came to an end for our Long Journey"

Two boys are escaping from the Hell liked city to the heaven liked city, Fantasy.

It felt great to spend my time into writing a good story. This one is the best bluebook story I've ever written in MAK.

I have learned that I have the strengths in imagining and the weaknesses in organization. Even though it wasn't so bad, I wasn't organized best.

"I am the Fantasy guardian. Welcome, I have been waiting for you two for a long time. Come on in and let's celebrate. We have everything ready and prepared for you two," the guardian said.

I like it because it showed that some other people cared for them two.

Tiffany

"One Nerve-wreaking trip"

This is a really short ficticious story about what happened on my family's nerve-wreaking trip to Hualian.

I just about finished the whole thing in 45 minutes and this is the best writing I've wrote in 45 minutes.

I learned to keep my story simple enough to finish in the time given (45 minutes) and there was more dialogue than in any writing I've written before.

‘My brother clammed up immediately, his face flushing bright red.' I liked this sentence because I worked on the wording for quite some time.

Barry

"Honor"

 This is about an award ceremony and the commander gives a speech about why he is giving this award to a man that did great things in battle.

  I liked the draft but I still felt that it could be better. But I think this is the best story I wrote in the Blue Book Writing.

  I put more details about Operation Cyclopes, who Armada was, and why was he in the Amazon Forest.  "The operation was the biggest invasion the world has ever seen. Six battle legions fought hard, trying to finish the rebels once and for all." This sentence explains about Operation Cyclopes and how big the operation was.

  "The man he saw stands right in front of you, the one that killed Armada, the one that saved the Republic and her people. Because of his bravery and patriotism, I grant him the Star of the Republic!" I like this line because it's a summary of the speech the commander told to the crowd.

Brian

"The Mystery of the Crunching Noise"

  This is about a story that his friends fooled him by tricking him that there was a crunching noise in the attic.

  I think my draft was a little sketchy, so when I am writing my story I didn't know what to write.

At first my sentence fluency was not really fluent. But later when I revise my grammar mistakes, the sentences became more fluent. 

 "Jo shouted 'It's my birthday! It's really my birthday!"

 I think this is line is expresses the feeling about how a person's birthday. 

Terence

"The Biggest Nuisance" 

  My story is about hard times in my life and how I have to deal with it. This story is about what I have deal with my sister.

  I don't really like my draft because I still am not sure what my publish is going to be like.

  I think I have a strength in publishing. I still find it hard to start a draft but as soon as I am done the draft I find it more easier to edit my story.

"Not only are they annoying but they got no common sense. Anyways I still have to deal with it. Since my sister uses a lot less money for paying school than I do. I have to live with the fact.Anyways there is nothing I can do about it."
I like it because, I it has strong word choice in it.

Janice

"At Last!"

This story is about me going to a ice skating competition and getting 1st place!!!

I don't like it as much as other writing I wrote.  It's not really want to want to write about! 

I have strength in putting in dialouge and some word choice!  Still, some of the sentences are a little awkward!

"She sped up the car and drove wildly like maniac!"  This express how hurry we are!  I like the word "maniac" very much! Haha!

Angela

"The Struggle Through Mozart's Maze"

A very short memoir about my frustration while playing one of Mozart's hardest piece for a competition.

My draft was decent enough to read, and I got pretty good scores, but it wasn't my best.

My revisions were meaty, and I worked hard on all traits. For example, the teachers told me to change my title, I did. After days of thinking and thinking, the title changed from "At Last" to "The Struggle Through Mozart's Maze".

"After hours of sweaty practice, I only have energy to say two simple words: "At last!". I really thought about this sentence (concluding sentence), and it came out pretty well.

Connie

"2030 Olympics"

  This is a story of how I got a Gold Medal at the 2030 Olympics.

  My first attempt to draft was horrible because we were under the restrictions of 45 minutes.

  I rewrote the whole story and I only kept like one paragraph. Before, there were no details whatsoever, but now it's like this, "The skate at the top was a phenomenon! It was carved out of copper magnificently! The adequate design of the skate made it look serial. I held it up as high as I could and they put my medal around my neck."

  "Ahna was my competitor all the ways backs from childhood, we knuckle-headed each other in every competition, and I would always be little ways behind her." I like this because it shows how competitive I've been ever since I was little.

Dennis

"At Last"

This is a story about a boy who almost got killed for not going to the bathroom before the long ride.

I think I did a good job because I did all the writing skills without having problems.

I revised some sentences by writing it more specific and detailed for example "Sure enough when they got out of the house for a couple of minutes, their car got stuck in the middle of the traffic jam like a helpless man trapped in a whale's stomach."

"Max went in the restaurant and searched for the bathroom sign like a crazy monkey searching for his banana."

I liked this sentence because it's funny and describes how Max needed to go to the bathroom.

Paul

"The Award I Always Want"

This story is about the time when I got the award that I have waited for 20 years.

The story is very excited but I can add more to it. I didn't really work hard on it so... it is bad.

  Like before there is unnecessary details and then I took it out.

" After a few months it brought me to today 50hours."

Claire

"Annoying!"

This is a short story about how having many siblings is annoying.

I thought it was awful because it was short and I nearly ran out of time, but it got all fives!

I added some details to my story. At first, I didn't follow my original prewriting because I was running out of time, but I added the prewriting.

"Whatever," shrugged Alissa, dismissing Christy's scathing comment with a wave of her hand and turning to her mom.

Cole

"The Computer Incident"

  A kid is very angry at his brother's continuous computer playing and decides to do something about it.

  Good.

  I made the story much, much longer, but I can't show an example except that before it was less than 200 words and now it is about 4-5 hundred words.

Luckily I had read it before, too. "So far the alien zombies from planet 51 have abducted Scotty and troy Bolton, brought them back to their planet, and nommed their fingers off." I liked it because it is funny.

Linus

"Lego City Escape"

Legoman Bob was caught and put in jail for no reason and he is escaping jail. . . . .

It is the most interesting story I ever made, but the draft is bad. . . . .

Mostly on dialogue and details, for example:  He took a deep breath and climb down the line into the black hole that looks like it have no ends.

" As he got to the ground, it was freezing, and very dark. "Am I falling, or is it just the darkness?" he thought as he wandered in the darkness. "  This is one of my detailed sentence, and I like this one.  

Steve

"Too Much Candy"

Lance loves Halloween, he paints his faces and gets lots of candy.

I felt time wasn't enough because we only had 40 minutes to do the draft.

I ran over my words and looked for better words at http://www.visuwords.com/. Visuwords is great because it is a graphic dictionary!

On Halloween, Lance shouted in front of the house porch, "At last everybody... beware of Lance. Halloween has come to me. WU HAHAHAHAHA." --- I like this passage because it shows that Lance LOVES Halloween.

Austen

"Sound of death"

  This is a story about a boy's grandpa telling him about how he lost his family.

  The draft was ok but it could have been better because I didn't have time to revise it.

  I revised on word choice and the description of the environment.

  Just meters away from the entrance I heard a scream and I looked back, horrible sight that I could never forget. My parents lay on the ground with blood oozing from their bodies.

Richard

"Victory for the school"

 This short story is about how the 6th grade class gets a bully in trouble.

  40 minutes was a short amount of time to do a detailed revision  and edit

  I revised a LOT of  conventions and grammar. I also changed the word choice.

  "He did it!" jabbing his index finger at me.  I like the part where he points his finger at the main character.

Kevin S.

"The Beast"

 This is a story on how a thief transformed into a beast. 

  I didn't like the draft because it was completed in 40 minutes in the writing test, it was bad. It had no good word choice, no action...

  I think I totally changed the story. I added alot of action, along with tons of word choice.

  The advance of the monster did not slow, but only got angrier, plowing throw the shelves and cabinets like wheat.

Faustine

"Helping Others is Also Helping Yourself"

 Mari, a teenage girl, is not always the  biggest fan to the nursing house, but after some experience she started to change her attitude about it.

  Right after I read over my blue book story I was extremly mad about how I made so many mistakes that I usually don't make and can't make.

     I was satisfied about the score I got for ideas, organization, and voice. That helped me bring back some confident to the story.

  I corrected all the grammar and spelling errors I made. (There was a lot to correct!) And I also added more discriptions to make the story clear to the reader. EX: I added a lot of discriptions to the present the grandma gave me. I spend a lot of time on this, but we had plenty of time to revise. Not like the 45 min. we only had on the writing sort of test assingment. =_=

  "Helping Others is Also Helping Yourself" I liked this line, because it's the line that started the story and the line that wrapped it up. And it's also the lesson of the story.